Beyond The Goalposts: Edge of Almost

Friday Night – Nov. 14, 1986, 10:20pm – The Gate

​

AMBER STOOD BY THE chain-link gate near the locker room entrance.  She had to see him, but he was taking so long. Still on the field with Barry Edwards.

The scoreboard still glowed showing the Edna loss to Giddings in this playoff game, 0 to 27.

​

Behind her, the other cheerleaders gathered their things. There was an eerie quiet with the fans after this loss. For the seniors, this was it. Their last moment on that field. For most of them their last moment on any field. Parents lined the sidewalk talking to the players.

​

"Amber, let's go. Coach is waiting."

​

Amber didn't move. Her fingers curled around the handle on her mega-phone. The wind had a chill to it now.

 

"Seriously," Sandra whispered, stepping close. "The bus is loading. We have to get the bags."

 

"Just a second."

 

"We don't have a second. Coach is staring right at us."

 

Amber didn't look at Coach. She didn't look at Sandra. She kept her eyes fixed on the track as they approached.

 

At the back, Barry walked next to Matt with his hand on Matt's shoulder. Matt's head stayed down. His steps were shorter than usual.

 

"Amber," Sandra hissed.

 

"Go ahead. Get the stuff," Amber said, her voice low. "I'll catch up."

 

She couldn't leave. Not yet.

 

Matt's head was down. He was walking stiffly, favoring his left side where she knew his five twisted vertebrae were screaming. He looked like he wanted to disappear into the ground before he reached the tunnel.

 

Look up, she willed him. Don't you dare disappear yet.

 

If she left now, all he would see was her back. He would think she was ashamed. He would think she was just another person walking away from the 27-0 disaster.

 

"I'm not leaving you here," Sandra muttered, lingering.

 

"I just need..." Amber's breath hitched. Matt was twenty yards away. Ten yards from the tunnel. If he made it to the locker shadows without looking, the moment was gone.

 

Then, he stopped. Barry said something. Matt barely nodded.

 

His head lifted.

 

She felt it. That pull. That magnetic snap that had been there all school year.

 

His eyes found hers.

 

Ten yards separated them. Chain-link and grass and track. But his gaze locked on.

 

She didn't smile. Didn't wave.

 

Just looked back.

 

I saw it, Matt. All of it.

 

She gave him a single nod.

 

His jaw tightened. His eyes held hers another second.

​

Then he looked down again.

 

Barry's hand stayed on his shoulder. They turned. Disappeared into the building.

 

Amber grabbed the megaphone, her bag, and headed across the parking lot.

 

He looked…defeated. Matt's never looked like that.

 

The band bus engine was running. Students climbed on. She got in line.

 

Inside, instruments were stacked neatly in the back. Students slouched in seats. The sophomore section whispered in the middle.

 

Sandra Robertson sat three rows from the front, purse on the seat beside her.

 

"Hey." Sandra moved it as Amber slid over her to sit by the window.

 

"Hey."

 

The bus pulled out. Stadium lights faded behind them.

 

Sandra twisted her hair around her finger. "I can't believe it's over."

 

"Yeah."

 

"Twenty-seven to nothin'. That's just..." Sandra shook her head. "Poor guys."

 

Amber pressed her palm against the glass. It was cold. Her finger started tracing the edge of the frame. Back and forth.

 

"Barry played his heart out though," Sandra said. "And Matt..." She paused. "Everyone knew he was hurtin'. But he still played every snap."

 

Amber's finger kept tracing. She didn't answer.

 

She didn't have to. The image was burned behind her eyelids.

 

She'd known he was hurt. Everyone knew. Five twisted vertebrae from their last game. He had tried to practice Monday and couldn't. Coach rested him the rest of the week.

It was on the Cowboy's first offensive series when a pass came high across the middle. Matt went up. Caught it.

 

Then he was hit from the side.

 

The crack echoed across the stadium.

 

Matt collapsed.

 

Stayed down.

 

Fifteen seconds. Maybe twenty.

 

Then he pushed up. Waved Coach off. Lined up again.

 

After that, he moved different. Stiffer. Slower.

 

Amber shivered, pulling her jacket tighter.

 

"You okay?" Sandra's voice was soft.

 

"Just tired."

 

It would be an hour and a half to get Edna back to Edna from Seguin. The highway stretched dark ahead.

 

She replayed the way he looked up at her. How he had found her through all that distance. Like he knew exactly where she'd be.

 

Stop.

 

Thursday came back. Them in the breezeway. His voice breaking. I'm terrified. His fist hitting the wall. I don't know how to be anything else.

 

Then tonight. Playing hurt. Every snap. Every block. Every tackle.

 

Her throat tightened.

 

Don't.

 

"You've been quiet all night," Sandra said.

 

Amber shrugged. "Just processing."

 

"The game?"

 

"Yeah. The game."

 

Sandra didn't push. Just sat there, twisting her hair.

 

The silence stretched. Amber's finger traced faster. Back and forth. Back and forth.

 

She shouldn't care about him this much. She'd decided that weeks ago. After Kimberly. After watching him date someone else while she...

 

No.

 

She'd made the choice. Protect herself. Don't chase. Move on.

 

So why did watching him tonight feel like something breaking open inside her chest?

 

"He gave everything," Sandra said quietly. "Hurt. That takes real courage."

 

Amber's finger stopped. "Yeah."

 

Sandra was studying her. That look she got. The one that said she saw more than words.

 

"You know," Sandra said, voice careful, "sometimes the bravest thing isn't playin' through pain. Sometimes it's just... showin' up anyway."

 

Amber turned to look at her. Sandra's eyes were warm, with that look that she knew more. Was it really that hard to pretend anymore?

 

"I guess," Amber said.

 

Her finger started circling on the window again.

 

Sandra leaned back. "Remember when you told us? At the bench. About how you felt about him."

 

Amber's hand stopped. "Sandra…"

 

"I'm not tryin' to push. I just..." Sandra twisted her bracelet. "I saw you tonight. After. The way you were waitin'. The way you were lookin' at him."

 

"I was just…"

 

"You don't have to explain." Sandra's voice stayed gentle. "I just think... maybe you're scared too."

 

Amber's jaw tightened. She turned back to the window.

 

The memory hit before she could stop it.

​

 

Spring 1979 – Stephen F. Austin Elementary – Fourth Grade Recess

 

Amber sat on the concrete basketball court with Sarah, Vanessa, and Sandra. It was the fourth grade. Today, it was warm enough for outdoor recess.

 

"So have you ever kissed anyone?" Vanessa leaned in.

 

Sarah giggled. "No."

 

"Me neither." Sandra twisted her ponytail. "But I heard Melissa kissed Brandon behind the cafeteria."

 

"Ewww." Amber scrunched her nose. "Brandon picks his nose."

 

They giggled.

 

"Okay." Vanessa looked around. "If you had to kiss someone, who would it be? You first, Amber."

 

Amber scanned the playground. The boys were everywhere.  Both the third and fourth grade were out today. There were kids playing basketball and throwing a football. Several boys were hanging on the monkey bars. A few were jumping off the swings.

 

"I don't know."

 

"Come on! Pick someone," Vanessa said.

 

Amber pointed. "What about... Trevor?"

 

"Trevor Johnson?" Vanessa made a face. "He's so short!"

 

"Fine. Not Trevor."

 

"What about Eddie?" Sandra pointed towards a group of boys out in the field.

 

"Eddie's okay, I guess."

 

Sandra clapped her hands together. "You should kiss Eddie!"

 

"No way!"

 

More giggles.

 

"James Mitchell?" Sarah pointed.

 

Amber looked. James threw rocks at the fence.

 

"Ughhh, no."

 

Vanessa pointed at two points digging in the dirt at by the fourth grade building. "Jack Stewart?"

 

"Ewww! Jack ate a beetle!"

 

"That was a dare!" Sarah added.

 

"I don't care!"

 

Sarah's eyes locked on something across the playground. Her whole face changed.

 

"What about Matt Garrett?"

 

Amber followed her gaze.

 

Matt stood by the swings with other boys. Hair sticking up. Grass stain on his knee. Brown shirt. Laughing at something.

 

Amber's stomach flipped.

 

"I dare you." Sarah's voice went quiet.

 

Amber turned to her. "What?"

 

"I dare you to kiss Matt Garrett."

 

"You're crazy."

 

"Do it!" Vanessa grabbed her arm.

 

"No!"

 

"You said he was cute last week," Sandra said.

 

Heat rushed up Amber's neck. "I said his eyes were nice!"

 

Vanessa poked her arm. "So you think he's cute."

 

"He's... okay."

 

The girls all began to chant. "Do it, do it, do it!"

 

"You guys!"

 

Sarah pointed at Matt again. "Just walk over and kiss him. Then run back."

 

"That's insane."

 

Sarah put her hands on her hip. "You scared?"

 

Amber looked at the swings. Matt was laughing with his friends.

 

Her heart hammered. Her hands went slick.

 

She was terrified.

 

"I can't."

 

"Yes you can!" Vanessa stood and pulled her up.

 

Sandra nodded. "You can do it."

 

Sarah pointed. "Go. Hurry. Before the bell."

 

Amber's stomach flipped again. Her legs wobbled.

 

She looked at Matt and then back at the girls. She bit her lip and turned towards Matt again.

 

Every part of her screamed to sit back down. To say no. To protect herself from the embarrassment, the fear, the possibility of him laughing at her.

 

But something in her chest said do it anyway.

 

"Fine!"

 

The girls squealed.

 

Amber walked. One step. Another.

 

Her heart pounded so hard everyone must have heard it.

 

Twenty feet. Fifteen. Ten.

 

Five.

 

She stopped. Everything in her screamed to run back.

 

But she didn't.

 

Matt turned.

 

His eyes met hers. Surprised.

 

"Hey, Amber. What…"

 

She leaned in.

 

Kissed him.

 

Warm lips. A little chapped. He smelled like grass and grape juice.

 

Two seconds.

 

She dropped back. Spun.

 

Ran.

 

Behind her, one of the boys yelled. "What was that?"

 

"I don't know! She just kissed me!"

 

"Garrett's got a girlfriend!"

 

"Shut up!"

 

Amber reached the girls. They grabbed her, squealing.

 

"You did it!"

 

Her heart threatened to break through her ribs. Her face burned. Her hands shook.

 

But she'd done it.

 

She'd been terrified.

 

And she'd done it anyway.

 

She looked back.

 

Matt stood by the swings, hand on his lips. Friends shoving him. Laughing.

 

He looked embarrassed. Confused.

 

Then he ran to the monkey bars.

 

"He ran away!" Vanessa laughed.

 

Sarah doubled over.

 

Sandra giggled.

 

But Amber couldn't laugh. Her heart still pounded. Her lips still tingled.

 

The bell rang.

 

They headed inside.

 

Amber glanced back once more.

 

Matt stood at the monkey bars. Hand still on his lips. Not laughing. Just standing there.

 

She followed the girls inside.

​

"Amber?"

 

The bus. Highway. Dark.

 

Amber blinked and turned from the window.

 

"Sorry, what?"

 

Sandra's eyes were gentle. "I didn't say anything. You just... went somewhere."

 

Amber's finger had stopped tracing. Her palm pressed flat against the window now.

 

"Just thinkin'."

 

"About?"

 

"Fourth grade."

 

Sandra's eyebrows lifted. "Fourth grade?"

 

"Yeah." Amber's throat felt tight. "When I kissed Matt Garrett on a dare."

 

Sandra's mouth opened. Then closed. Then opened again. "Wait. You were his first kiss? That was you?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Oh my gosh." Sandra's hand went to her mouth. "I'd completely forgotten. We were all there!"

 

"I was terrified," Amber said quietly. "Thought I was gonna throw up. But I did it anyway."

 

Sandra studied her face. "And tonight? At the gate. When you looked at him."

 

Amber's jaw tightened. She turned back to the window.

 

He was terrified too. And he played anyway.

 

Amber looked at her hands. She knew. She knew because he'd told her. He'd stood against a brick wall yesterday, shaking, admitting he was nobody without the pads.

 

She'd held that fear for him. She had promised to remind him who he was.

 

And tonight? He couldn't even look at her.

 

The bus rocked as they went around a curve.

 

"You know what I think?" Sandra whispered.

 

Amber didn't answer.

 

"I think maybe you're both just scared. And maybe that's okay."

 

Amber's reflection stared back at her in the glass. Her finger started tracing again. Slower now.

 

"I told myself I wouldn't," Amber said. The words came out before she could stop them.

 

"Wouldn't what?"

 

"Chase him. Feel this. Get hurt again."

 

Sandra didn't say anything. Just waited.

 

"When he started datin' Kimberly. I know he had no idea I had feelings, but watchin' him with someone else it was… I just  decided to move on." Amber's voice was quiet. "No more feelings like that."

 

"And?"

 

"And I thought I had." Amber pressed her forehead against the cold window. "But then yesterday, and tonight. That look. I..."

 

She stopped. Swallowed hard.

 

"You still feel it," Sandra finished.

 

"Yeah."

 

Silence.

 

The bus rumbled on.

 

"You know," Sandra said carefully, "maybe decidin' not to feel somethin' doesn't actually make it go away."

 

Amber's eyes closed.

 

"And maybe," Sandra continued, voice gentle, "maybe bein' brave isn't about not being scared. It's about doin' it anyway."

 

Amber's throat tightened. Her finger went around again. Then stopped.

 

She saw him again. Matt looking up. Finding her through everyone and everything. That moment of recognition.

 

I saw it, Matt.

 

And deeper. Eight years back.

 

A boy by the swings with his grass stains and confused eyes. Her walking across that playground. Heart pounding. Terrified.

 

She did it anyway.

 

"When I was nine years old," Amber whispered. "I was braver than I am now."

 

Sandra's hand found hers. Squeezed.

 

"Maybe you still are. You're just scared to find out."

 

The bus passed by Walmart. Edna's city lights appeared in the distance.

​

She just sat there. Feeling the cracks spread through walls she'd built so carefully. Protecting herself had seemed so important. So necessary after what had happened last summer. But watching Matt tonight, knowing he was terrified and showed up anyway, something shifted.

 

What if being brave wasn't about chasing or not chasing?

 

What if it was just about being honest when it mattered?

 

The bus pulled into the school parking lot by the band hall. Students started gathering their things.

 

Sandra squeezed her hand once more, then let go.

 

"You don't have to decide anything tonight," Sandra said softly. "Just... don't decide out of fear. Okay?"

 

Amber nodded. Her throat was too tight to speak as they got out.

 

She made sure everything was put up since it was late. They'd move everything Monday from the Band Hall. Amber hitched her bag higher on her shoulder and walked briskly to her car. 

 

The lot was clearing out. If she was quick enough, she could time it right. Just pull up near him by the gym, roll down the window, and make it look like a coincidence.

Hey, nice game. Or maybe just, Hey.

 

She unlocked the door, and tossed her gear into the passenger seat. She didn't waste time checking her reflection in the mirror; she just turned the ignition and backed out.

 

She accelerated a little, heading towards the street in front of the school. As she pulled up to the stop sign, a pair of headlights swept across her hood from the left.

 

She looked up just as Matt's car cruised past the intersection. She watched his taillights drive away.

 

At nine years old, she'd been terrified. And brave. Maybe Sandra was right. Maybe she still was.

 

But bravery wasn't just thinking about it. Bravery was doing the thing that made your hands shake.

 

Amber looked at her hands on the steering wheel. They were steady now.

 

She wasn't going to wait for him to look at her from a distance again. She wasn't going to wait for him to be ready.

 

Monday.

 

She would find him Monday morning before first period. Before he could put his armor back on.

 

She would find him.

 

And this time, she wouldn't run away.